I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
