Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
