theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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