Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Its about making memories worth repressing
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
