i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
