Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
