She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I stole a fireplace last night.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
