ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
