how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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