I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
