Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize