Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I feel like death gave me a hand job
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
