I have demons in me.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
