this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
