i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
