i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
