i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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