Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
