I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
