I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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