ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Randomize
