her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize