When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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