I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
