Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize