Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
