margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
