and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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