I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
