my phone needs a breathalizer
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
