Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
