this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
