gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
