i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
as a side note pls kill me
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
