please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
