the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
