just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
