I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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