She is in my trunk
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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