I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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