at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
