I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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