I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
