Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
