Michael Bay diarrhea
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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