im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
