There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Too much gin, very little bucket
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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