You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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