Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
