billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
