your thong is hanging out like whoa
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
