I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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