I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
