So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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