yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
