I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize