How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
