I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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