I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
