I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
