separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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