the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
