Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
