I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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