Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
