You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
