Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
