It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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