This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
